So in love
by blacksmoon
Summary: Love comes hard. Love hurts a lot. But it doesn’t matter when you’re in love. (crappy summery. I know.)


**SO IN LOVE**

**Summary**: Love comes hard. Love hurts a lot. But it doesn't matter when you're _in love_. (crappy summery. I know.)

**Characters**: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin

**Rating:** PG

**Warnings:** character death, slash

**Disclaimer:** These characters do not belong in any way to me. Though, I wish Sirius was mine. sighs They belong to the all-mighty JK Rowling!

**R&R** please! I'll be eternally grateful!

So, here's the story.  It's dedicated to my lovely friend **Milka-Weasley**. Hope you'll enjoy!

_**1.**_

_Strange dear, but true dear_

_When I'm close to you dear_

_The stars fill the sky_

_So in love with you am I_

Late November, 1976 

Remus watched in silence as Sirius and James played throw-and-catch with an apple. Lily was sitting next to him and laughing at her boyfriend. Peter was squealing in some corner of the room with excitement. Remus sighed and returned to his book.

The apple fell in his lap and the young werewolf was forced to look up. He saw Sirius standing in front of him, grin plastered on his handsome face, eyes sparkling with childish joy. Remus couldn't help but to grin back. He handed the apple back to Sirius and his fingers brushed the dark-haired boy's briefly, before Sirius joined James once again.

_They were always a bit… odd_, thought Remus as the apple flew by his head. He laughed at his thought out loud, making Lily glance at him.

"Remus, what's so funny?", she asked, looking rather amused.

"Nothing", he replied still chuckling.

"If you say so.", Lily smirked and looked away.

Remus looked around, his gaze lingering on Sirius. Remus felt his heart swell with love. He always admired the ebony-haired boy, when he was younger. When James and Sirius had accepted him as a friend, but as years went on, the admiration grew and soon became love. Remus knew more about Sirius than he knew about himself. He knew that Sirius had seven smiles: one for James-it was that goofy smile, the one he used when he would ruffle James' hair or pull another prank with Prongs; one for Lily-the gentle smile, soft one; one for professors-faked grin; one for Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape, though, it was an evil and dark smile that made Sirius' face different. Then there was one that he used when he was truly happy; the bitter smile when he was angry. And then, there was that indulgent, lazy smile, full of caring and odd protectiveness, meant only for Remus himself.

Remus never expected anything to happen between him and Sirius. He knew that Sirius had a different girl every night and it didn't hurt. Because Remus was being realistic. But the small gestures, brought happiness to Remus. When Sirius would push a strand of hair from Remus' forehead or when he would hug Remus a bit longer than he hugged James. He didn't ask for more.

That night, when they went to bed, Sirius opened Remus' curtain and smiled that special smile of his.

"Sirius.", Remus whispered, sitting up. "What's wrong?"

"Oh. Nothing. I… just…", Sirius blushed. Remus raised his pale eyebrows. "I wanted to say good night."

Remus felt a pang of disappointment. "Ah. Well… Good night."

Sirius rubbed the back of his neck, groaned and then bent down and kissed Remus. The kiss was sloppy and kind of wet and it was over before you could say Quidditch. Lupin felt slightly dizzy after it and when he looked up, Sirius was already in his bed.

Remus closed the curtains around his bed and laid back. He smiled and touched his lips. _Maybe… Yes… Just maybe…,_ he thought before he fell asleep.

_**2**._

_Even, without you,_

_my arms fold about you_

_you know darling why_

_so in love with you am I_

October, 1981. 

A vase smashed against the wall and a very devastated Remus Lupin screamed. It wasn't enough. He wanted to hit someone, to _hurt_ someone. Hell, he needed it.

He fell on his knees and started to cry. The sounds echoed in his now empty apartment. The rain was falling heavily outside, perfectly describing the werewolf's feelings.

Remus ran a hand over his pale face as he shook with the intensity of his sobs. _God_…, he thought. _God… Jamie… Lils… They are gone. _ More tears fell from his eyes. He couldn't believe it. He didn't _want_ to believe that they were… dead. It wasn't real. It was just a bad dream. They were at their house, protected by Fidelius charm, playing with baby Harry.

He grabbed the Floo powder and stuck his head into the fireplace, yelling "Godric's Hollow". Nothing happened. He fell back on the floor. His face twisted in pain. It was true. His friends were gone. They weren't coming back. That night, Remus' world came crashing down.

He got drunk and then fell on his too large bed. He sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until he fell asleep. And Sirius welcomed him in his dreams. He was smiling and saying something and Remus wanted to scream at him, ask him how could he do it. Why did he betray his best friends? He reached out for his friend, but Sirius disappeared.

Remus woke up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat and caught himself chanting _Sirius, Sirius, Sirius_, over and over again. He buried his head in Sirius' pillow and breathed in his mate's scent. As soon as he did that, new tears found their way down his cheeks.

Sirius had killed his friends. He was a cold-hearted murderer. He killed them and went to Azkaban, leaving Remus alone. Lupin hugged Sirius' pillow to himself tightly, wishing it was Sirius he was hugging. He wanted, he _needed_ Sirius. That man and his boyish smile, to tell him that it was all just a bad dream, to go back to sleep. The picture made him furious. Remus closed his eyes and wished for Sirius to rotten in Azkaban. Underneath that anger, he wished for Sirius to live…

_**3**._

_In love with the night mysterious _

The night when you first were there 

_In love with my joy delirious _

_When I knew that you could care_

July, 1994 "Lay low at Lupin's" 

Remus watched as Sirius gazed at the stars through the half-open window. The werewolf still couldn't believe that his friend was there, in his apartment. He couldn't believe that Sirius had escaped from Azkaban and was innocent. He was glad, he was beyond happy, but at the same time he felt guilty. All this time he blamed Sirius and although Sirius had said that it was ok, he still felt guilty. He felt as though he had betrayed his mate.

But Sirius was there and he decided that _that _mattered. Padfoot turned around and smiled at Remus. It was a happy smile, but it didn't reach Sirius' eyes. Twelve years had passed and Lupin knew that it wasn't the same Sirius with whom he went to Hogwarts and pulled pranks on Snape. This was older and bitter Sirius.

"You okay Padfoot?", Remus asked softly, standing next to his friend.

"I'm fine. It still feels weird. You know… To be free. And… with you.", the dark-haired man replied and pushed his long hair out of his eyes.

Remus stared at the moon, smiling. He heard Sirius laugh and glanced at him. "What?"

Sirius chuckled. "Nothing. It's just… _you_. You seem so _happy_."

"I am happy.", Remus said softly.

Sirius coughed and bit his bottom lip. "I'm sorry Moony."

The werewolf scowled in confusion. "What are you sorry for?"

"For James and Lily. For leaving you."

"Sirius… It's not your fault. Don't be stupid."

Black suddenly stood up. "But it is, don't you get it! If I hadn't made Peter their secret keeper, they would still be alive today. Harry would have parents.", he shouted and Remus winced.

Sirius looked away but Remus saw tears in his eyes. He tipped Sirius' chin up and smiled sadly. A tear trickled down Sirius' cheek. Lupin brushed it off.

"Sirius… You didn't know.", his voice cracked slightly. "You couldn't possibly know. Don't blame yourself. You suffered in Azkaban for nothing. It's only Peter to blame."

"But…", Black started, but Remus hushed him.

"What matters is that you are here now. You are free. Harry knows the truth and I know the truth. It's enough for the time being.", Remus assured him. Sirius smiled. Lupin grinned. "You can see how giddy I am about you being with me."

Sirius started to laugh. "I can't believe you used "giddy" to describe yourself. 'Remus Lupin-the giddy werewolf."

Remus shook his head and laughed. "Hey Moons?"

"Yes?"

"I… well… You know…", Sirius fumbled with words in his mind. Remus raised his eyebrows in amusement. Black growled in frustration. "God! It was so easy back in school. You know that… right?"

Remus brushed his lips over Sirius' and the black-haired man sighed in relief.

"I know.", Remus whispered against his mate's lips.

Sirius grinned at him and this time it reached his eyes. It lit up his whole face. Padfoot smirked. "Got an apple?", he asked and started laughing once again.

_**4**._

_So taunt me and hurt me_

_Deceive me, desert me_

_I'm yours till I die_

_So in love with you_

My love, am I 

June, 1995.

Remus walks into the Black Manor and listens as his steps echo through the house. The floor creaks and then there is that silence. When he was younger, Remus enjoyed the silence because when you had Sirius and James for friends, the moments of complete peace were rare. But now, he hates it. It's creepy, first of all, and it reminds him that he is alone.

James is gone, Lily too, Peter and finally Sirius. He is dead. He went behind the veil actually, not so long ago. Remus sits at the table and sighs. He can still hear Harry's voice in his head, still remembers his face as he called out for Sirius. Remus feels like crying, but there are no tears. He had cried too much in his life. But it hurts. It hurts more than ever.

He had lost Sirius again, this time for forever. When Sirius had escaped from Azkaban, Remus thought that they'll stay together for the rest of their lives. _I thought we had another chance_, he muses. Why did Sirius had to be so… _naïve_? Remus shakes his head and forces himself to cry. Nothing. He wants to cry. To let it all out. To blame Sirius for leaving him once again, for deserting him. But he can't.

He can hear Sirius' mocking in his mind. _"And they lived happily ever after. What do you think Moons? Will we live together till the rest of our lives? Will you still love me when I become an old grumpy dog? You know that I'll love you when you become senile werewolf."_ And then laughter.

Lupin groans. _Please stop. Please. I can't take this anymore_., he thinks desperately. Everything reminds him of Sirius. He can feel his scent everywhere. He feels as though someone had burned a hole in his heart. He wants to die.

Remus rubs his forehead tiredly and stands up. He slowly approaches the old rusty fireplace and takes Sirius' picture from the top of it. He tucks it in his coat pocket and heads for the door, feeling a bit better. He's positive that he'll see Sirius again, maybe even sooner than he thinks.

And he moves on, or at least he thinks he does, and when he hears Molly say _"Poor Remus. They were so in love"_, he just smiles.

**T**he **E**nd

The song is called, as you assumed, "So in Love" and it's written by Cole Porter.


End file.
